


Aim Low, Hit Hard

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Lucid Dreaming, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-02
Updated: 2006-08-02
Packaged: 2018-05-21 03:56:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6037075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cracky crack crack. Rodney's dreams are as fertile as Lilith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aim Low, Hit Hard

**Author's Note:**

> A coda for the episodes 303 (of SG:A) and 1003 (of SG1) in a Crack!Fic way. There is no one alive who could have betad this damn thing, so I apologize for that as well as for writing in the in the first place. Dedicated to Nansi who needs it, I think.

They'd been trapped inside the dingy, damp cell for three days. What little water and food they got wasn't enough to survive, but they hung on by their fingernails, huddling together for warmth, giving each other pep talks in worn out, raspy voices. 

"Teyla and Ronon got away," John kept repeating. "They'll find us. I know they will."

"Yeah," Rodney replied. He was so tired, so sore and dizzy from lack of food and water. The inevitable torture hadn't even begun yet, but Rodney knew it would.

As soon as he had the thought, their cell door banged open and four huge guys stood there, grinning down at them. John struggled to his feet and put Rodney behind him. "Look, just let us go and I promise we won't kill any of you," he said, but his voice shook.

The men laughed. "Good one," one of them said. "Get the other guy."

Two of the men shoved John so hard he fell into the wall, his head striking the bricks with a sickening crack. Rodney jumped to his feet, ready to go to John to help, but the other two grabbed his arms. "You're coming with us," the leader said.

Rodney fought, using every trick John, Teyla, Ford and Ronon had taught him. He managed to get one of the bastards bent over and was going for another when they just swarmed him under, grabbed his arms and legs and hauled him out. Right up until the door of the cell closed, Rodney was trying to look back, trying to see if John was all right, trying to get away, screaming for John.

The inevitable torture was, of course, hideous. It involved things like cutting, hot pokers, rape with various instruments, something that was like a cattle prod, truth serum, LSD (or it's Pegasus equivalent), electric shock, and a whole bunch of other things. But Rodney didn't break. He didn't tell them what they wanted to know. He'd screamed a bunch, and cursed them out in various languages, but he didn't break. (His bones did, though, since that was part of the torture.)

Finally, they dragged him back to the cell and threw him in. John caught him, cradled him, sobbed over his broken and ripped up body. "It should have been me," John whispered, tenderly wiping the blood off Rodney's face.

"I didn't break," Rodney said, as loud as he could. Through his one remaining eye, he watched the tears fall from John's eyes. "I didn't tell them."

John smiled through his tears. "I knew you wouldn't," he said, rocking Rodney's body gently. 

Outside the cell, they heard sounds of shooting and screaming. "Looks like the cavalry is here at last," Rodney whispered. "Too late for me. John..."

"No, it's not too late, don't say that..."

"Tell my sister..."

"No, Rodney, no, I never got the chance to really know you... Rodney, don't die. I... I never told you... I love you, Rodney, please don't..."

Rodney tried to smile but it hurt his swollen lips. "I thought you did. I love you too. Kiss me? One time...?"

John's tears were falling like rain on Rodney's face. "Yes... Rodney, I love you... please don't die..." 

As the sounds of fighting grew nearer, John's lips hovered over Rodney's. "Rodney..." he murmured, and he meant 'I love you' and Rodney knew it. Closer they moved together... "Rodney... Rodney... Rodney...!"

"MCKAY!"

Rodney's whole body jerked as he woke up to the bellowing from his radio. "Jesus! What?!"

"Get your ass to the control room, dammit, we can't get the cloak running!"

Rodney sighed. "Aye, aye, Captain Bligh," he muttered, shaking the sleep from his head.

"That's Colonel Bligh to you; get your ass down here now!"

"You couldn't wait another five minutes?" It had been a really good dream, too, except for the torture and the part where he woke up. There was no answer so he assumed Sheppard had cut the radio. Asshole. Why on Earth his unconsciousness thought he was attracted to that man, he'd never figure out.

He peed and splashed some water on his face which helped to wake him up, but he deliberately didn't move at his fastest. He'd just gotten to bed, dammit, less than... He looked at his watch. Damn. Less than four hours ago. Why couldn't they just wake up Zelenka?

The reason for that was in the control room, where Zelenka was arguing with Campbell and Sheppard. "What's going on here?" Rodney asked. He turned on his most intimidating scowl but it bounced right off Sheppard.

"We don't know," Zelenka answered. "The cloak is only partially complete, it still shows a good portion of the city."

"And we've got a hive ship that'll be here within an hour," Sheppard snapped. "So figure out what's wrong and fix it already."

"Oh, thank you for your overwhelming trust in my abilities, Colonel! Have you never heard of the magic word?"

"Fuck you, McKay, just fix the damn shield!"

"John!" Elizabeth was behind Sheppard suddenly and Rodney turned the glare on her too. "Rodney. Radek has been trying to fix it but it's still not working. You're the only one who knows it backwards and forwards."

"Yes, of course, and can any of you geniuses tell me _who broke it_? Especially since it was working fine up until last week."

"What difference does it make?" Sheppard demanded. "If you want to stay alive, then fix the damn shield!"

What he wanted to do was to slug Sheppard, but Rodney turned to Radek and the laptop which was currently interfacing with the ZedPM and the shield protocol. It took him all of five seconds to come up with a probable reason for the problem but before he could even speak, he heard Sheppard growl, "Somebody go get me a damn lemon."

That was it, that was the absolute last straw. Almost quivering in outrage, Rodney straightened up and turned to face Sheppard. "You bastard. You rude, obnoxious, manipulative bastard. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on and then fix the damn shield yourself." He was quite proud of the way his voice remained steady while still conveying his absolute rage. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at Sheppard.

"Rodney!" Elizabeth pushed her way between Sheppard and Campbell. "John, that was uncalled for. Rodney, quit it now and fix the shield. Whatever has come up between the two of you..."

" _My_ reaction was uncalled for?" John said, rounding on Elizabeth. 

"We're all over-tired," Elizabeth said, her voice conciliatory. "Rodney included. Let's just get through this crisis--"

"Forget it." Rodney remained where he was standing, though he turned his 'death-glare' on Elizabeth. "I'm on strike, from this moment on. You want something fixed around here, do it yourself."

"Now, Rodney," Elizabeth began.

"And you call _me_ a manipulative bastard?!" Sheppard crossed his arms in front of his chest too, but his death-glare was an order of magnitude less than Rodney's. 

"Yes, I do!" Rodney narrowed his eyes. "Giving Colonel Mitchell a lemon to threaten me with? If you want to kill me, Colonel, you're going to have to do it to my face!"

"John, you didn't," Elizabeth began, but Rodney could tell the idea amused her.

"Yes, he did. And you know what? I'm not going to play your tame scientist any more." Rodney leaned back against the console though he didn't relax. "Fix it yourselves. I am on strike. And you know why?"

"No, but I bet you'll tell us anyway," Campbell said, his eyes rolling.

Rodney stabbed his finger in the air. " _That's_ why. I'm tired of being threatened, manipulated, brow-beaten into doing impossible things for absolutely no credit! How many times have I saved your damn asses? Has anyone bothered to count? And what do I get for it? I get denigrated. I get threats. I get laughed at! Well, no longer, fuck you all very much."

He should have done this months ago. The entertainment value alone would have been worth it.

"Radek," Elizabeth said but Radek held up a hand.

"No, I must say I am on Rodney's side in this." Rodney turned to him in surprise. "He is right, we have all seen it. Rodney is the chief scientist here but is often treated like a whipping boy. Occasionally, he is a repulsive idiot--"

"Hey!"

"--But not usually," Radek continued right over Rodney's objection. "He catches the brunt of it because he covers for us, his people. I do not believe you are in the right here." Radek nodded to Rodney and moved to stand beside him. Rodney had never felt so proud.

"This is ridiculous," Sheppard growled. "If you don't fix the shield, you're going to get culled by the Wraith. Does that give you sufficient motivation?"

Rodney pretended to think about it. "Actually, no. It doesn't. Because I've got to tell you, the Wraith I've encountered have been a far sight more polite to me than any of you clowns."

"You..." 

As Sheppard opened his mouth, Elizabeth grabbed his arm and yanked him back, pulling him out of earshot. They moved to a corner of the control room and began a whispered yelling match. Rodney tuned it out, turning to Radek. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Radek smiled without mirth. "You _can_ fix..."

"Oh, yeah, won't take but a minute," Rodney confirmed, sotto voce. "I should have done this months ago."

"Teasing is one thing," Radek nodded. "But bullying is another. We are all under strain and all exhausted but that does not forgive terrible behavior. The Colonel is not generally such an asshole, though. Sometimes he is nice."

"True." Maybe that's why Rodney's id found Sheppard so attractive. "And occasionally, I'm an overbearing, arrogant jerk. But not all the time, and I don't think I deserve such treatment even if I was."

Radek nodded again. "I think--"

He was cut off by Elizabeth and Sheppard returning. Sheppard's expression looked like the bad end of a good drunk but it was Elizabeth who spoke. "Rodney, I'll concede that we often treat you in a less than sterling manner."

Rodney lifted one eyebrow at her.

"But you have to concede there are times when you're exceptionally overbearing and frustrating."

"Yes, I've never tried to deny that," Rodney agreed. "But you were in the briefing room before the _Odyssey_ left, Elizabeth. And that wasn't the first time Sheppard has threatened to kill me."

Sheppard broke in. "It was a joke!"

"One in very poor taste, Colonel!"

"Fine! Fine! What do you want, then to end your stupid 'strike?' Dancing girls? Your own harem?"

"John--"

"You want to know what I want, Colonel? I'll tell you!" Rodney took a deep breath, waiting until everyone was focused on him. "I want to be treated with the respect my rank as chief of the science division should give me. I don't want to be cussed at or threatened with bodily harm in order to--" Rodney cocked his fingers in the air-- " _give me incentive_ to work faster. And I want to hear the word _please_ more than once in a blue moon." He glared between John and Elizabeth. "I don't think that's asking for so much but it's more than I've been given, especially lately!"

Elizabeth sighed. "No, you're not asking for that much," she conceded. John turned to glare at her but she glared right back. "But for our part, we'd like to be able to deal with a more reasonable Dr. McKay a majority of the time."

Speaking slowly and enunciating clearly, Rodney said, "Has it ever occurred to you that I generally only get pissy when I'm being treated unfairly?"

Even Sheppard blinked at that. Then he flushed and actually looked away. Rodney exulted inside.

"Actually, that's not entirely true, Rodney," Elizabeth said gently. "But I concede the point."

Rodney nodded. "Fair enough. How about we all try for a little more civility from now on?"

"We can do that," Elizabeth said with a glare for Sheppard. "Is that all?"

Rodney took a deep breath. "Well, there is _one_ more thing."

Sheppard was still avoiding his gaze. "Yes?" Elizabeth said.

"I want Sheppard as my personal sex slave for the next month." Rodney nodded firmly. "That'll do it."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

Sheppard's outraged bellow turned into Rodney's alarm clock blaring. He jerked awake, smacked the clock silent and shook his head -- what a great dream!

Someone pounded on his door. "McKay? You awake?"

"Yeah, I'm up," Rodney croaked, sitting up in bed. Damn, his room was messy.

The door opened and Sheppard stood there, grinning. "Not by much, obviously. If you can hurry up and get dressed, you might be in time for the waffles."

"Waffles? Really?" Rodney bounced out of bed. "Hang on, I'll just be a minute."

It had been a cool dream, but waffles just about made up for missing the end of it.

end


End file.
